I am Woman

I am woman

In the loins of man first carried around a testimony to the humour of the Creator

In the womb of woman nurtured and borne to be born in agony, expelled from a womb with a painful tear.

In me you find your joys, your fears. For of me you were born.
To be lover and child.
To be mother and friend.
To break your heart and to restore your hope

I am strong for so I was created.
I am strong for my journey has made me so.

My mistakes....here an ode to the audacity of youth, there a testament to the results of a heart unguarded and a will untrained.

My victories..purposefully wrought or unthinkingly achieved.

Here I am. Woman. Loved. Used. Celebrated. Vilified. Adored. Disdained.

Your orgasms celebrate and disparage me. Think beyond sex manchild. For the spillage of your mind are the orgasms here

I am woman. Tentative. Resolute. Beguiling. Hurtful. Timid. Arrogant. Needy. Confident.

I am she whom you left to be with another. Whom you chose at the expense of another. Whose emotions nurtured you on your search for another.
In me is your fulfillment and your derailment.

I am woman.

(more tentative writings on www.true9jawoman.blogspot.com)

#itsallinmyhead
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(Image from https://www.pinterest.com/pin/135037688805934016/ )

Journey to self....the beginning of the rest of forever

On doing something daily my future self will be thankful to my present for:

 

1.    Pray. I used to be unable to pray or seek closeness to God when I'd sinned however small or big the sin seemed in my head. Now I understand that especially because of the propensity to, or ,for sin in my mortal nature I must even when sin seems to be eager to drag me down and guilt to smother me, seek God's reassuring closeness and light

2.      Eat well. This is as hard as praying. Sometimes more so. For that which I ought to crave my body tells my mind to disregard and my mind tells my body to dislike. And that which I should do in moderation or deny self of altogether is that which my body wakes with a start in sheer longing for. But if I will have a body that's healthy I must say no to the heavier creamier oily starchy etc and lean more into the lean, the leafy, the greens yellows oranges and reds

3.      Exercise. Knees creaking, calves burning, thighs in spasms from the tension, back hurting, torso taut and willpower failing, I must do the extra jump, the additional crunch, jog the extra mile. For my body is mine to subdue and not the other way round. To stand tall even while a little over short. To take the stairs two at a time. To dance for hours with my beau. To run with the kids. To squat for strength. To plank as I read. To jog just for fun. To learn my strengths and increase my endurance threshold. To subdue my body and not the other way around

4.      Visit. Would that the world was linked only by social media. Social nerds like me would be king and guilt would be only a dream in a lost souls' conscience. But it is not, alas. And so, visit I must. For loving my family cannot be done only in my head and through financial contributions to needs and wants. And through hellos via BBM or Whatsapp. Not through having the kids call grandmas and granddads. For those who love me want to see me. To scold me and hug me. To worry about me and cheer me on. To show me off and feed me. To do these and more in person 

5.      Network. For man is not an island. Nerd or social butterfly. Man is not an island

6.      Residual income. For I dread the thought or working a 9-5 at 50 simply because I have no other choice. My kids must know there's more to life than the mind numbing drudgery. There is a better way. It's harder. But you learn on the job and meet amazing people and get to travel the world empowering people and building teams. 

7.      Read. Motivational books, self help books, books about science, articles on world economy, Holy books of other faiths, new authors.....any and everything. Books on philosophy, books on psychology. Books about cooking and books about health. For books always teach. And books provide an escape from reality and an empowerment for reality. I'm largely uneducated and alarmingly unenlightened. And for one as old as I, that's almost unpardonable. I've read a few but I've loads more to read. 

...time travel!!! I'm officially sold on it now!

When you're half asleep and the voice of the captain wakes you up with a "Good morning... please prepare for landing......our flight to Abuja from Port Harcourt", and you go like "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!!!!"

 

Seems like only a minute ago he welcomed you with "Good evening. This is your Captain speaking. Sorry about the delay" 😱😂😂. This qualifies as time travel doesn't it?! Since it's a local flight?! Or are there separate rules for that? The questions, o the questions!!!! So much to figure out!!!!!! 🤔

 

I need to buy camels and stallions and start traveling the old fashioned way since science, with all her over-sabi, has still not yet made it possible to move like they did in 'The Matrix' or confirmed which of the X-Men's powers I have. That Prof Xavier dude had better discover me already 😒

 

.........wisps, desires, desires

At once sure and yet elusive, she dances before his eyes when his lids close in a vain attempt to sleep.

 

Clear as day he sees her....within reach, almost.........

 

He stretches an inch farther and his fingers barely brush the light fabric of her dress as she walks before him, unwittingly sensual with an innocence that her heartache and years of bad decisions couldn't destroy.

 

He longs to make her stop and look in his eyes. To see the burning desire to know her and he clenches his fists at his sides in impotent balls of furious desperation and he tries not to shake the realization into her.

 

He calls out, startling himself with the strength in his voice, but his eyes quickly widen in bewilderment as he realizes she doesn't hear him much as she never could look into his eyes. 

Dropping his gaze he slowly unclenches his fists, whispers her name and is regarded with a falter in her step before she resumes her walk. 

She will walk this walk on her own. He longs to tell her he wants to go with her and bear her up. Pushing harder he grasps her shoulder and she starts to turn to him.

His eyelids flutter open, lips parting ever so slightly in soundless joy. And the dream crumbles to the ground. 

be naked with me.....my friend

I see you........

Beneath the laughter I see you,

Beneath the sarcasm, O yes, there you are,

Peeking as from behind a curtain,

Peering as a child would behind the safety of its mother's skirts

 

We see your boldness

We know your sarcasm

We see the cynic you work so hard to pawn off on us

 

But I see you my friend 

Gentle and warm

Not hardened but trying to be

Wary of repeating mistakes that led to a thousand hurts

 

Come into the light. Be naked with me

Laugh with me at nothing, at everything

It will never be totally alright

.........But the madness will make the good times perfect

.........And the bad times just an annoying bump on the road

 

...on stepping out: one foot in front of the other

If you think you're not good enough, IMHO (in my humble opinion), you're not. 

 

Lemme explain, unless you're Olivia Pope with lifelong 'daddy issues', chances are you'll have skills and competences which over time should make you feel good about what you have been able to achieve irrespective of whatever upbringing you have. However no matter how many people tell you that you can, if you think you can't bring to the table what's required, you're probably right. 

 

What to do?

 

Now this is no recipe but!!!!........, I know from experience that putting myself out more, helps to slowly kill that voice. It's a scary thing to do but a necessity. One foot in front of the other. Asking questions (especially the ones that show u up in your opinion). You can't be seeking a safety net when you need to grow. You will find it as you make the mistakes:

 

....The colleagues who value you for your skills and will always tell you when you're being an ass.
 

....The bosses who will build you up and tear you a new one in private but always take the blame for the troops gaffes in public.
 

....The business team partners who will listen to every supposedly creative idea and not hesitate to show you where the pitfalls are.
 

....The friends who will hold your hand when you need it and give you a hot attitude slap or space when you or they need it. Etc. etc.

 

These people become allies you make a safety net. They don't come cheap and you need to, in your desperate bid to grow while still holding on to some form or comfort, not make them a crutch.

 

But grow you must. And grow you will. One face-in-the-mud episode after another, a stronger and more useful you shall emerge.


      xoxo
NKECHI