...my smile

I need to smile more often
         for my smile covers up my trepidation
         makes the tears resting gingerly on the ledge of my lower eyelids glisten as they ever so gently brim over and eventually come crashing down my cheeks in one silent wave.
        
my smile covers up many things
         the way my heart starts to pulsate to the beat of a thousand drums when I feel cornered. the way my brow draws tight in uncertainty and realization that once again I've paid the piper for a tune for a fool and danced with total abandon at his music. the frustration when I realize that in spite of my efforts this thing or that is headed for a cliff and I cant stop it.

my smile is a cocoon
         it puts everything in a time warp so I get the chance to hold still and try and make sense out of stuff which threaten to overwhelm me.
         it welcomes me in a warm teary embrace when I turn back to self, crawling on bruised knees, pride shattered and emotions in tatters
         if I stand perfectly still I can see my smile in my mind's eye. and my unending wonder at the world in all it's ups and downs and roundabouts and topsy-turvy rides.

         I smile because I can. Because to stop the smile would cause a crack. the crack would let the joy out and the darkness which always casts furtive glances my way like an illicit lover would slink along the edges of my subconscious thought and grip my brain by the roots. the darkness would steal my peace, my joy. all would come crashing down. Depressed, angry, bitter, weakened......I would cease to be creative. I would cease to smile. my lips would part in a grimace; like the snarl of a cornered dog. My tears would hold no innocence no wonder at friendships genuinely given and shock at pain deliberately caused. Steely and cutting, my laugh would be. I would hurt when hurt, hurt when unsure, hurt when loved, hurt when appreciated, hurt when attacked.

my smile holds me up
         reminding me to never let the stream run dry. to always laugh a little, and then a lot. to know well the wrongs I've done or endured and to strive to be better than those. reminding me that the light in me can overshadow the darkness. reminding me that I can heal my hurts if I hold still long enough for the smile to spread its warmth.

so I tilt my head to the side. I shut my eyes. I play a song I like. or I go for a run to get the frustration out and with each kilometer my pounding heart beats the darkness out with fists of fury and my smile...lying on the cold floor of the dark, wet room, takes tentative steps and then starts to run.

I love my smile. it is welcoming when it is real. it is blinding when it is needed. it is my badge of courage.