Keeping it together

In my head 

Where it should be safe

In my head

That's where it all falls apart

In my head

Where it should be calm

In my head 

That's where the demons rule

In my head

Where it once was quiet

In my head 

That's where the chaos reigns

In my head

Where I want to fall asleep

In my head

That's where I can't find peace

It's time

Putting on my bra today

I heard a distinct sarcastic chuckle

Or maybe it was a mocking chortle

Whatever it may be called

I was filled with rage 

At the proof of such betrayal 

But even as the anger grew

Even as despair winked at me

I knew it was time, no, way past the time even

For a long term commitment 

To healthier meal choices 

And a challenging workout plan 

#cantshutthevoicesinmyhead

Make peace with your self.
Face your demons.
Stop confessing only to another.
Stop seeking wholeness in any other.
Stop sabotaging relationships.
Stop refusing to fight for you
Stop seeking strength outside
Just stop.
Right now.
You're you.
Made whole.
Yes you may be broken and battered but you're a different person for your experiences.
Lean into the pain.
Wake up at night and confront your demons.
Stare them down.
Like all bullies, memories of failures must be put down in the playground where they seek to hurt you the most.

It's tough. Yes it is.
Been there. I know it.
But it's doable. Yes it is.
I'm there and I'm knowing it more everyday 

40 and 1

41 today. A little kinder than me at 40 at 2300hrs yesterday. Kinda sorta almost more uncertain about many things: faith, hope, salvation, nationalism, race, and so much more. But even more intensely curious and alive in so many more ways. Old and yet young. The curious case.....yeah, kinda sorta almost.

Above all, gratitude envelopes like a shroud and humbles me. For much, for many. For people and events. For health and challenges. For naïveté and increasing fights with jadedness.

And whatever fights with religion and all I may have, above all I know there's a God....and I am not Him.

Thank You Father.....for the next 40 years. Long may the knees hold out. And may the belly get flat...well kinda sorta almost. Love you Lord....in my own way.